Lost

Ever had one of those days where you just feel empty because you have nothing to do and you have done nothing for the entire day? The days that make you think “do I not want more with my life?”
Lately a lot of my days are just like that. Every night, or midnight (if you must) I don’t try to sleep anymore. Its not that I’m not tired, I just don’t want to go to sleep. I know its a cycle. I’ll wake up, do the same stuff I did today, and sleep again. I think about stuff. Whatever it is. I’m just trying my best to not fall asleep.

A few days ago, I was smoking hookah when I realised I’m not doing anything with my life. Its safe to say that my life is utterly meaningless (at least for now). I wake up, I play video games, I eat, I talk to my friends. Whats worse is that my family’s financial status is not that pleasant at the moment. I’ve thought of getting a part time job during the holidays… Although I did try, most of them turned me down because I’m just a 15 year old boy. But I know deep down it’s my fault. I didn’t try hard enough. I’m not desperate enough. To me, going to each shop asking if they are looking to hire someone is too difficult. I’m too lazy. I won’t die if I don’t get a job now so why should I care?! But on the surface I tell all my friends that I’ve tried. I’ve always wanted to start my own business; be an entrepreneur although I have no idea what my product is going to be. I just wanted to be one. I’ve read books on entrepreneurship but I still have no clue at all what am I supposed to do. I feel lost… I have no sense of where my life is headed. I’m doing NOTHING with my life. Some people have advised me to take it slow, enjoy my life for now as I’m still young but I just can’t do it. I don’t want a normal life where I just wake up, play video games, talk to my friends or eat food that I’m already sick of the last 10 times I ate it.

I feel so lonely not having someone to relate to me on this.
i feel so lonely even when I have friends who care for me.
It feels vile when most of my friends always talk about something trivial to me. Such as who’s dating who, which celebrity is sleeping with which, whose Instagram has more followers. I don’t find the joy in doing such things. I find it petty. I prefer having intellectual conversations, hearing the opinions on things from someone intelligent, seeing the world from their point of view.

I’ve tried so hard to change my life; and not be someone ordinary. But it seems that I have made no progress at all.
For now, it seems that I have to bear with living a mundane life.